Key Men’s Life Development Stages

Over the past few years, I have been working on a model of human development-related particularly for men. It charts the course of three major life transition points. Like all transitions, we don’t need to cross them. Some people never do.

I talked to a friend this week who said they benefited from this, so here it is!

Phase I (13yrs - 17 yrs)

This phase is about becoming someone separate from the identity that your parents created for you. You get a sense of your own identity as someone on the world. Ideally this phase includes some sort of process where you are acknowledged for the person the community sees you as. You as the young person, in some ways receives from the community an identity.

Once you have this identity, you are free to go out into the world and start making your own way. Running up against various limits and experiencing your mortality. This includes first relationships, sexual experiences and some sort of choice about what direction to go in life.

Part II (20+)

As you continue to grow, you will find that the identity provided by the community and created through social interactions as you grew up to be not a 100% fit. It kind of fits, but something is missing. It doesn’t feel like you are completely yourself. So the journey starts, this is the journey to find who you are in the world; distinct from how the world sees you.

This phase is about creating your own identity. Choosing who you want to be. Initiation processes around this phase focus on choosing for yourself who you want to be in the world. Claiming your own identity. Being your own person.

This process isn’t quick, I estimate that once the journey begins you will take 3-10 years to clearly both claim and then be able to live in a congruent way with that new identity. This is a strong sense of self. Full of meaning and purpose.

This process can start at any time. Some people effectively suppress this transition in themselves. When seem from the outside these people seem to be living someone else’s vision for their life. They haven’t fully owned their life and their choices.

This is where almost all the various men’s work programs sit. They provide lots of ways to continue to refine and develop this identity. Changing and developing it as time continues.

Part III (??)

Eventually, the next stage rolls around. Now, even the identity you created for yourself isn’t fully satisfying. Men tend to go two ways at this stage. You either double down on the previous stage. This is done by more work on their identity and becoming more confident of who they are. The view is that the identity you have can be made even better and that satisfaction will come from having a perfect identity.

Alternatively, you continue with this stage which involves another journey. This journey involves letting go of identity altogether. It is a process of discovery of who you are without the identity you have held onto. It requires a different mode of being. While the identity needs rules, this stage is free from rules.

This stage is often the domain of the mystic traditions. I know people from the Zen/Buddhism, Sufism, yogic, kabbalistic Jewish and Christian mysticism traditions are aligned with this stage. It is a stage of becoming one. One with the universe. One with God. One with ???.

This phase is about unbecoming someone and being free to be who you are without the labels and identity. It is enjoying the mystery.

Part IV

I don’t know what is the next phase. Maybe there isn’t one.