Suffering and Learning From My Failings
Coughing, I stumble out of bed. My head cold is terrible, and I'm drained mentally and physically. This was me the day after my return from a camp. I was sick because I failed to communicate well at the camp. I exposed myself to more campfire smoke than I should have been and like often happens when I expose myself to too much smoke I get sick.
I was the Program Manager of a Rite of Passage camp for fathers and sons last week. The Program Manager is the "head of camp", and the buck stopped with me. Being sick has provided me with some time to reflect on my leadership. Here are the main takeaways and learnings.
I know I did a great job, and I do feel proud of my leadership. However, I am working to be genuinely exceptional, world-class, and the way I can improve my game is noticing areas for growth and learning, so that's what I am focussing on here.
The Pain and Suffering of My Assumptions
I made lots of assumptions during the camp. Many of them came back to bite me. In my regular life, when I make assumptions, it may be weeks or months later before I find out I was wrong. By that time, I have more or less forgotten about that assumption, and therefore it is a slow learning process.
On the camp, I was having conversations, and then minutes later, I was able to see my assumptions play out in front of me. It was pretty confronting. The assumptions to me relate to the critical topic of Criteria of Satisfaction. When we ask someone to do something, or they agree to do it, there is always a list of criteria of satisfaction, what will I be satisfied with if they do or don't do. When working with people who I have worked with for many years, we both share criteria of satisfaction, and this is what makes that person "easy to work with".
However, when I make assumptions about these criteria of satisfaction, and I assume they are shared, even when I have no evidence they are. I find myself disappointed and frustrated. I even found myself saying what I hate leaders saying "it's so straight forward, you just need to do XXX". But if I honestly asked myself "did you tell them the thing they "just" need to do, the answer would be no.
I think it is unfair of me to expect people to guess what I mean when providing a request. I can do more to be clear about what I expect and to express my criteria of satisfaction. They also have a role in doing their best to get my criteria of satisfaction when I don't provide them with enough information to move forward, but this is ultimately on me.
Being Arrogant and Judging Others as Incompetent
One of my lifelong challenges is on writing people off as incompetent in particular domains. This judgement is a recipe for unpleasant relationships and terrible outcomes.
I am not proud of judging people in this way. I feel ashamed of myself as a result of this.
In a camp context, I need to work with everyone, and this habit of dismissing people doesn't help me achieve the outcomes I am going for and doesn't align with the person who I want to be in the world.
Given this, it is something I am committed to exploring more and working on. I have no idea what it will look like and how I will sort this one out, and yet it's what I need to do. It's impacting my ability to fulfil my mission to be a truly effective leader.
Communication Clarity
At times I found myself frustrated at people. I swear we agreed to change the time or the arrangements and here they are executing on the old plan. Looking back, I secretly smile to myself. I am getting my just desert. Many people over my life have said: "We agreed to change the plan, and here you are acting like that conversation never happened". In my world, the conversation never did happen, and I don't remember making the changes. And it was happening to me. I was frustrated, and I have empathy for those I've frustrated in this way over the years.
I am proud of how I resolved these situations. After an initial period of frustration, I had a direct conversation with the person involved and was able to accept the facts the way they were. In some cases, it turned out the old way was the best thing after-all and them forgetting was the best thing that happened, however, I want to avoid this when I can.
What I learnt here is that there are times when I need to be extra clear and precise. Something needs to be in writing or repeated back to me to make sure we are both on the same page. Clarity is king. It is up to me to notice these moments in advance and grasp them.
Asking For Trust in Advance
As part of my role, I need to support the families going through the process, they are in the dark about the process to some degree. I know when I am in situations like this, it is hard to trust and let go. However, this is what is needed for everything to function well. I know what I'm doing, I can be trusted.
So how do you get people to trust before there is time to earn it? One of the elders gifted me a line around this. He suggested I say "can I have your trust, even though I haven't earned it yet?". They all agreed to trust and follow my lead. I was lucky enough to be granted this level of trust by the group, that they would support me, even though I hadn't earned their trust yet. Saying this was a game-changer and something I will use again.
What’s Next
I believe there is always room for improvement and growth. The only person responsible for that development is me. I hope the next camp I can reduce the amount of smoke I end up inhaling and do better at accepting people and noticing my assumptions quicker—overall a great camp with lots of learnings. I wonder what I will learn next time!