Three Rites of Passages for Young Men
I did a father-son Rite of Passage at 15.
I didn't know it then, but that five-day camp would change my life trajectory. Contributing significantly to the man I am today. What I experienced there changed me because I was honoured and acknowledged for just being me. I didn't have to do anything or be anyone else to get love and acceptance. I was able to discover deep down that I was fine just as I am. Because others were able to accept me, I was able to accept myself. This core shift has never changed, even though obviously life has its ups and downs.
My next major Rite of Passage happened in late 2015. I was on a walk through the desert in Australia, with about 15 other men. The walk was the first time I was able not just to accept myself, but love and accept myself. The walk was also coupled with another event a year later with 80 other men on a mountain top.
And then the most recent Rite of Passage, I was in a little old Scout camping building with a few special friends (my Zen group). We had been meditating (we call it sitting) together for four days on a week-long retreat. I was there with the question that had been bugging me for years "who am I, what am I here for?" and on that day in 2018, I found an answer. And I was truly "okay" with being a human, living a life and being just who I am right now. With nothing else needed.
I have realised in writing this article that I am pretty lucky. To have had these by 29. It brings up much gratitude for those who have supported me on the journey.
I believe that the deliberate creation of Rites of Passages has a really positive impact on the world, by letting people see themselves differently.
Being Seen: Boy to Man Rite of Passage
Since I did my original Rite of Passage as a 15-year old, I have spent much of my life running these programs. I have to my best estimate spent around 7,000 hours on these events.
These types of Rite of Passages are for teenagers. In the puberty years, teenagers want to discover who they are. What they are about and what is their place in the world. They can't find this for themselves. It needs to be gifted to them. And given to them in a way they can feel like they discovered it for themselves.
This self-discovery is what we create on a boys Rite of Passage. He leaves being confident in himself and with a sense of himself as a meaningful contributor to the world.
We treat boys with unconditional positive regard, and many of them experience this for the first time. They get to see that they aren't bad inside. Regardless of what teachers, parents and their peers have led them to believe so far.
The key part here is that the identity as a worthy person must be given to them by their community, and this is essential to have this be effective.
Seeing yourself: Adult Rite of Passage
The Adult Rite of Passage is the next milestone, and what makes it so great is that it is always available. This rite of passage is very different from the first. It is an opportunity for each man to love and accept himself.
To create a new model for "what it means to be me" and then to be seen and celebrated for who he chooses to be. I feel an immense sense of gratitude for all the people around the world who makes rites of passages in this stage so widely available.
For many men, doing one of these rites of passages fundamentally shifts the direction of their life in positive ways. They can, for the first time, see themselves as having choices to live by their values. The experience creates opportunities and the freedom to create a life that to them is worth living.
Seeing no-one: Mystical Rite of Passage
The other rites of passages here are mostly linear. You go on the programs, and you get the outcomes, yes not 100% of the time but pretty close. This one is very different; you need to "leave home" and “go wandering”. There is no timeframe on this one. For me, from when I started, it took me around 6-years to take the next steps.
The most significant risk with this Rite of Passage is that if you don't have a guide who knows the journey. It is incredibly easy to get lost in the endless paths where you think you are making progress. But in fact, you aren't, and there is no way to know yourself. You need someone who has done the path to guide you.
This Rite of Passage also has a weird outcome. Whoever has done it can tell within a few words of talking to someone else if they have done it or not. Everyone I have spoken to who has done it, says the same thing. It is very, very strange, indeed.
At each of the other rites of passage, you end up "knowing" yourself better. Having a more definite concept and lived experience of who you are. At this rite of passage, you need to completely let go of any concept of who you are. All the concepts. All the words. All the stories. At this point, you can truly see yourself. The insight here genuinely something different from the other two.
Is that all of the Rites of Passages?
Certainly not! These are the ones that I have experienced; others aren't for me yet, for example, an eldership Rite of Passage. There are also many informal Rites of Passages that I am not covering; for instance, graduating from school, having a child are common Rites of Passages.
Should you do a formal Rite of Passage?
Let's clear this up, Rites of Passages aren't fun, aren't easy and certainly aren't a walk in the park. They require a willingness to look inside yourself and be prepared to meet whatever you see.
I remember when I was on my way to my two adult Rite of Passages, and the terror I was feeling. I know that to meet a Rite of Passage, I need to be prepared to jump off the cliff of what I think I know about myself. It is scary to jump. Is it always worth it? For me, the answer is a clear yes.
For boys, I think pushing them off the metaphorical cliff is essential - they certainly won't jump on their own.
I think if you can, everyone should do an Adult of Passage, they are readily accessible all over the world, and many of them take only 48 hours! Which is an incredibly small investment of time to get such a massive benefit.
Anyone how has a son, on the edge of becoming a man has the opportunity of gift a Rite of Passage to him. These are also accessible in many parts of the world. But if one isn't available, you can also create one with other men.
The final one is more complicated; this took me around 5,000 hours of dedicated effort, with regular ongoing support from a guide. Not everyone wants to put in this type of energy. Again, it is not fun. However, I think the output is equal to the input here, and I wouldn't trade this for the world.
Ultimately Rites of Passages provide similar lessons at deeper and deeper levels.
That is my journey so far and I look forward to many Rite of Passages to come.
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A list of the organisations that I know of that provide Rite of Passages around the world:
Powerhouse Programs (Young People) - QLD, Australia
Rites of Passage Institute (Young People) - NSW, Australia
Rites Together (Young People) - WA, Australia
Mankind Project (Adult Men) - Worldwide
Pathways Foundation (Young People) - NSW, Australia
The Elders Way (Elders)
Tracks - Rites of Passage Foundation - NZ
Path of Love
Boys To Men - South Africa